The week that followed, Ed searched for the anarchy-girl in the yearbooks the library kept on a shelf near the windows that faced the track field. His father refused to purchase yearbooks, citing them as a waste of money and attempts to rob people of their desires to move on in life. One time, when his father was tremendously drunk, he claimed yearbooks were responsible for the outbreak of conjunctivitis that left his eyes permanently damaged with a redness in the corners near the tearducts and his vision slightly blurred. "When I signed my name on all of those yearbooks," his father stammered, "my hands and fingers were touching every god damn hand in that school. Hands that were infected." Ed thought to mention his father's blurred vision might be because of his constant drinking, and the redness near his tearducts a result of being heartless and drying out his ducts in the process. But, Ed had said nothing. He thought a lot of things he never said.
But with her, with anarchy-girl, he wanted to say things. He wanted to hear her say something, anything, too.
Ed walked by the same storage closet at the same exact time he had the day his closet dance had taken place, for the next week, but the closet was quiet and no music could be heard when he pressed his ear to the door. No cheap shoes shuffled, no vanilla perfume or grabbing of the arm took place. But Ed didn't mind, in some ways, because his heart was alive. Just being near the closet door made him feel safe, made him feel content, made him maintain hope.
It was the following week, exactly 11 days after his first meeting with anarchy-girl, that he walked up to the storage closet and heard the rubber squeaks and faint music playing. He put both his hands upon the door, pressed his ear against it, and then he heard a single knock coming from the inside. Backing away from the door, in case it suddenly opened again, he pondered what he should do. His hand made up his mind for him, and returned the knock with a 'boom boom' two-knock sound softly against the door in reply. Three knocks followed. He replied with five knocks.
The door opened and she smiled at him. "What happened to four?" she asked.
"Hi," Ed said with a nervous confidence and calm confusion and desire. His heart was going back and forth from being happy and scared.
Her hand reached out and pulled him inside.
She said "Wait..." and was clicking through some songs on her music player. "Okay, here, shhhhh..."
Ed felt her place the headset on his ears, his eyes were closed and his entire body was tingling with the soft and cotton-like feeling of a warm towel after a cold shower. He let himself be in this moment so fully, he wondered if perhaps he could force himself to never leave it, to never let it leave him, this feeling with her. No sound came through the earpiece. Then, her laughter filled his ears and she said, "Oh, crap, I forgot to press play, there you go..."
He heard the tiny metal click of her pressing the play button and then he heard words that he himself could have written.
I find myself in a strange situation, and I don’t know how
What seemed to be an infatuation, is so different now
I can’t get by if we’re not together, ooh can’t you see
Girl I want you now and forever, close to me
I’m longing for the time, I’m longing for the day
Hoping that you will promise to be mine, and never go away
I don’t want to live without you, I don’t want to live without you
I could never live without you, live without your love
I ask myself, but there’s no explanation for the way I feel
I know I’ve reached the right destination, and I know it’s real
I’m longing for the time, I’m longing for the day
When I’ll be giving you this heart of mine, believe me when I say
I don’t want to live without you, I don’t want to live without you
I could never live without you, live without your love
No I don’t want to live without you, I don’t want to live without you
I could never live without you, live without your love
Now I don’t want to live without you, I don’t want to live without you
I could never be without you, live be your love
I don’t want to live without you, live without your love
(Live without your love) live without your love
(Live without your love) you see, I’m lost without your love
(Live without your love) ooh oh
(Live without your love) without your love...
Ed couldn't help it, he began to cry as they danced slowly to this song. She kissed his tears, which only made him cry more and worry that she was taking in all his pain. He didn't want her to take in any of the bullshit he'd been through, as if the tears carried with them each shitty incident he'd ever lived through. He didn't want any of this to be about that, or to be effected by it, but he knew it was, at least in this moment and he hated his father so much right then. Then, slowly, he felt a different emotion overtake the hate. Like a butterfly landing on his hand, love started at his fingertips as he took her face into his hands and kissed her. He didn't want her to save him, he didn't want to save her, he just wanted them to be. He didn't want anything in the past to matter, and he realized as she kissed him that it didn't have to... not to him or her. Inside this closet, he could let it go. Perhaps.
But it would only be safe like this inside this storage place. Out there, in his world, at his home, in his room as he lay on his bed that night thinking about her so strongly and deeply she was almost in the room with him, he realized that he could never, ever bring her to meet his parents. If he did, his father would do something or say something that would destroy all of it. Just as Ed had felt his father had done with him throughout the years of disfunction. Ed felt the destruction could be repaired now, if he just focussed on the things she made him feel about himself and, even, the world.
He had to go about things logically, not take any risks that could potentially ruin the fix of self. His firm conclusion was that his father could not ever know of the relationship, and his mother, a casuality in this war to fight for personal victory and a reclaiming of belief that life could be good, could not know, either.
Before she'd left the closet, he'd asked anarchy-girl to meet him at the park that weekend. She'd agreed. They made a pact to meet at one in the afternoon near the sunflower patch that bordered the HoverShoe Ramps.