The night sky was drowning in blackness when the white inky lettering of the billboard in the sky lit up. Ed stared, his mouth open, his eyes squinting in confusion. New website adresses on the billboard sky sometimes took a moment to read.
THREETWOONE.COM
"The et wo on e... an R, whoops, ok, missed that, three, two, one. Three two one dot com," Ed said aloud. He wasn't sure when exactly he'd begun talking his thoughts aloud, but he knew it had been a while because his throat no longer stung when he spoke. He remembered it stung a few times when the ten minute billboard sky therapy sessions had first started happening.
"A countdown. A music site, three, two, one, begin song. A site about," Ed pondered, "space flight. Manned mars missions. Moon trips."
THREETWOONE.COM said nothing in reply, but Ed stared a friendly stare at the lights of each letter, and then he began to speak.
"I have never loved my father. I wanted to, I believe, at one time when I was very young. But I think it became apparent he was not capable of love before I even turned two years old. I think because of that I gave up on wanting the impossible."
Three ducks, at that moment, flew over head in a line with one in front and two lower down on either side. "QuatquatQuat," they each acknowledged Ed's presence on the beach. "It's quack!" Ed shouted up at them, throwing his hands over his head in exaggerated command.
THREETWOONE.COM glowed brightly above the ducks, as if beckoning Ed's eyes and mind back to the discussion.
"And although I'd resigned myself to this fate of being raised by a loveless father figure, I believe I should somehow find it in me to let the anger, disappointment and pity for myself go. I mean, really let it go. Not because he did not deserve to have my anger, my disappointment and my occasional death thoughts upon him, but because I did not deserve to feel that way. I could have been feeling a multitude of other ways. The way he left me feeling, the way I allowed him to continue making me feel long after I left the house. I did not deserve that for myself. I don't know why I didn't see this before. I allowed myself to sometimes feel nothing towards him, and gave what was his to the world. To myself."
Posted by nft at August 15, 2004 08:37 PM